So lately, I have been listening to a lot of Vineyard Church's sermons and seminars after being introduced to the one titled "God and Sex" by Matt Chandler. They are really solid and eye-opening for me. Not only do they merely repeat from what I have read in Joshua Harris' books, but they reinforce the reasons why has God currently made me single, especially from a logical perspective.

I mean, usually I just tell people that I really have no time or emotional commitment to date right now (more so the former than the latter). Apparently, that's not enough to hold me off from yearning a mate. But "dating"? Why am I going to settle for such a heartaching activity as that while there's courting in store? I use to just brush off dating and courting as the basically the same thing, but they're not. Before, I saw dating as more "worldly" while courting was more "Christiany" (yes, I totally just used that word). In an environment when we are bombarded with songs, movies, TV shows, and even the people around us with ideals of finding that significant other and all the highs of being infatuated, how can we escape this wanting of not to date?

I believe this is where trusting God comes in.

Trusting doesn't mean that "oh, maybe this person is for me since God simply put him in my life" or "I totally deserve a guy, since I have been walking strongly in God for the last x months/years." I believe trusting God means focusing on Him solely aside from any of our fleshly desires, which is admittedly difficult but not entirely impossible. What does a relationship in God look like verses the relationship the world tells us is suppose to look like? I think until I can grasp what that is, I am not ready to be involved in any intimate relationship, no matter who pursues me. I honestly don't deserve a relationship no matter who the guy is. In matter of fact, as sinful creatures, we don't deserve anything. It's only by God's grace that we have another day or family or friends or, if need be, a significant other. God doesn't owe me a boyfriend or husband any more than He owes me another breath in my lungs or another pump through my heart. Now that truly think about it, there's nothing that guarantees that God will even let me get married in the future (which I haven't fully decided how I would handle that), but if I am stripped of relationships in my life and all I have is God, I think I'll be okay. Hm, that is something to ruminate upon.

Anyway, the main point of my blog is to further hash out as to why God has not prepared me for courtship at this moment. (I may need to reference this in the future on those terrible lonely nights when I'm thinking to myself.)

Firstly, I don't see myself following anyone within my immediate circle of friends or even my outer ring of acquaintances. I'm not saying I'm not willing to follow, but God calls men to be leaders and take initiative. Yeah, I don't see that in anyone right now at all.

Secondly, no guy right now is even close to being prepared for courtship. Where is your house? Where is your job? Can you work hard? Men are suppose to provide. No, I'm not being anti-feminist or denying my independent, work-for-myself traits within me, but I truly believe that if a guy doesn't have a house or job ready, why bother? Sure, love will conquer it all, but reality-check, it's going to come up in conversations eventually and it will be a hindrance to be with someone who doesn't have his act together.

Thirdly, spiritual maturity is an attractive trait (if not the most). Again with leadership thing, how am I suppose to follow someone who is not strong enough in God to guide me? Even though guys mature slower than girls, but that's not an excuse not to grow stronger and more passionately in God.  I consider myself quite a ways in my walk with God and I won't allow myself be the spiritual leader in a relationship (though it is quite tempting). If a guy is going to sit back and let me be the one who takes initiative to pray or study the Bible without him interfering and let me do whatever I want, that will reflect what will happen during marriage and I cannot allow that. I am so sick and tired of guys being so freaking indecisive because they are trying to please me. All my past relationships had been guys who just let me do what I want and wear the pants; Truthfully I believe that made me more miserably frustrating than loving toward the guy I was with. I'm not saying this allow guys to be abusively controlling, but the guys I know need to stop spectating cowardly and start acting in courage.

Lastly, I don't think I have reached the point of taking on a significant other. Meaning, I'm not the woman God has called me to be. Right now, God says I am single and that there's no one in my radar that is willing to pursue me, therefore I have to grow as I am and be satisfied. I don't think I'm humble enough or capable of taking on someone else in my life (not only due to time and emotional constraints, I assure you; I can get around those easily). Do I possess the traits to captivate and support another Godly man? Honestly, I don't fully know. I may think I do sometimes (especially when I'm doing things like, cooking, cleaning, sewing, and babysitting), but God probably has a different aspect in mind.

Yeah, basically this is a long rant (for myself) to convince me why guys at my age are not ready and I'm even more not ready. I sound quite bitter but I think it's because for once, I'm thinking outside my emotions and protecting myself. I don't know how long my cynicism could last (maybe until my next infatuation), but I need to hold this out for now...and maybe stop watching chick flicks (except all my favorite movies reside in that genre).

I watched the Glee season finale episode again this morning. Absolutely breath-taking. My heart is still racing from it. Since I'm on such an upswing, I think I will do a "filler blog"...rather, taking a break from blogging about my relationship rants and inner thoughts. I'm just taking a couple of questions from featured questions and will answer them (kinda like a survey but with more profound questions). Sounds good? *turns up Glee playlist*

Does love conquer all? What do you think?
Yes. It was God's love for His creation that conquered sin. 'Nuff said.

At what age did you feel like you were most physically attractive?
I would say probably junior year in high school (17?). The summer before, I was very disciplined into running each day and doing crunches each night. That all has gone downhill since then.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you want to live?
This one is a toughie. I would want to say Taiwan, since life is so simple, eco-friendly, and not as materialistic as America. However, my Chinese is pretty terrible, so I don't know how long I would like being in a country that's not my first language. I want to live in Japan too, but I don't even know a lick of Japanese to carry on a conversation. I guess I'm pretty pleased living in America (especially Texas, must be the pride talking), but the previously mentioned places sounds amazing to travel for vacation.

If you won the lottery that would be the first thing you'd buy and why?
My school's tuition because the cost of private art schools is just ridiculous.

If your significant other cheated on you, would you want to know?
Yes. Part of being in a relationship is being honest with each other. In fact, I think integrity is crucial in a relationship. If two people cannot be honest with each other on an intimate level, that relationship will not last, even if it such a deep sin as cheating.

What is your favorite holiday song?
Well...Taylor Swift has came out with a couple of amazing songs on her holiday CD this year. I do like a lot of songs from the Nutcracker as well as "Carol of the Bells." Hmm, I know I do have a favorite Christmas carol, but I can't think of it on the top my head right now.

What are the top 5 things on your Christmas list?
I'm doing Advent Conspiracy, so no particular material things in mind (or at least I would admit to). I guess if I had to list:
1. Having my close friends come to know Christ
2. My family to grow closer together and not be so distanced
3. More time to hang out with my friends
4. A good graphic design internship
5. Being completely satisfied with desiring God as a single (and stop trying to think about having a relationship with a guy for the time being)

What's your nickname? Who gave it to you and why?
My sn "fat penguin" was given to by my elementary friends (who are still my very good buddies). In second grade we were learning about penguins and I think it was in December, so it was quite cold outside and my mom (who is always looking out for my well-being) made me wear a very big puffy jacket to school. During recess, I (being the creative person I am) suggested to take a twist on tag and play "penguins and krill". Of course, who got first to be "it" to be the penguin and had the marshmallow of a jacket. Yeps.

What's your way of dealing with bad times? Be it a break up or family problems, etc.
Crying to God, praying, journaling...then venting to all my friends.

What is the most beautiful song you have ever heard?
I don't know, Glee has been quite wonderful to me. ;P
(...honestly, I have heard a lot of beautiful songs, but don't know which one is the "most beautiful")

Whew, time to be productive once more.
(16 days until Urbana! Yes, I will be counting down.)