Monday, 22 June 2009

• First blog of the summer

  I have not blogged in a while, due to well...just never got up the urge to blog, I guess. I mean, I can't blame it all on my busyness (of balancing a summer job with adequate social time), but at the same time, I just don't know who I had become, a person who no longer finds written out pour a means for emotional coping.

  Well, I am bored to tears at work and since they blocked practically all websites (aside from email), I guess I'm going to spend this time typing up what I have been dwelling up on the past few weeks since summer has started.

  Starting with the end-of-the-year thoughts, basically, there was too much stress going on. I mean, yeah, I was ready mentally to go home and take that 2-day drive back to Texas, but I was not prepared physically. The day before I left, I had some sort of emotional break-down (which the reason I will not disclose unless specifically asked), and ended up not being ready for storage. So on the day that I was suppose to leave sometime before noon, it ended up being a very tense mess of driving to and fro from storage; driving to various places to return routers, cable boxes, and keys; then coping with cleaning (which I definitely did not set enough time aside for). I mean, yeah, it was just frustrating, chaotic, and most of it was my fault for letting my emotions alter rational situations. I really do not like when I break down, it takes me 3 hours too long for me to regain myself. I ended up making move-out worse for everyone, especially my roommates, who I promised I would aid more with cleaning. I was just not myself, as understated that may sound.

  However, the storm somewhat resided when we (Nick and I) finally were able to leave Savannah at around 3:30 p.m. and got to the hotel in Alabama earlier than expected due to the time change from Eastern to Central, which slipped our minds. The hotel stay was rather nice, with free wi-fi and all expenses paid. Extremely comfortable bed, but alas, being an early riser, I was ready for breakfast and the next day drive at 8 a.m.

  On the second half of the drive, we agreed to meet up with Michael in Louisiana. After a nice crawfish lunch, we waited in Lafayette for an unexpected prolonged amount of time for him to meet us there. We hung out for about an hour before parting our ways. This ended up delaying our trip home by about 3 hours, but it was fine.

  When we returned home on Saturday, we ate dinner at my house, then immediately went to see 'Up' as we had anticipated throughout the spring quarter. We thought of watching the midnight showing in Savannah, but that would have hindered our driving immensely. It was a very enjoyable movie and became one of the top half of my favorites of Pixar movies. So, my end of the year move out started on a horrible note, and ended up (no pun intended) on a slightly better note.

   

  After a nice Sunday sermon the following day, I had to prepare for work on Monday. Which is quite unfortunate, since I didn't really have enough time to unpack. Anyway, work involved learning the ropes of the filing system in the legal department of the company I had worked at every summer since freshmen year of high school. Every year I promise myself I will find a better job (more related to my interests) and not return, but then every summer, I simply get defaulted to this job due to some sort of office "need" my dad always lures me with. Also, with the 20% increase of hourly pay.

   

  I was doing fine until I received my paycheck last Friday and noticed how instead of a 20% increase in my hourly pay, I got a 20% decrease, especially since my boss only requires me to work less than 20 hours a week. My younger brother, who recently got hired in the assembly line sector, gets paid more than me even though he is working minimum wage, but he is allowed to work full time. This made me really upset, especially feeling how I am wasting time at this horrendous cubicle with tasks I have absolutely no interest in what-so-ever. So there's goes my emotional breakdown trigger and I couldn't control myself when we went out to lunch at Rudy's that Friday. I am just so tired of enslaving myself to menial tasks, which about 90% of the time, I am rather confused on what exactly I am suppose to be doing. And it doesn't help that my boss went on vacation for about a week and a half either. I know I should be grateful that I even have a job at this somewhat "successful" company when the economy is like this, but I am just getting really fed up with letting myself baited into doing things I don't particularly like to do for income sakes, especially when I am getting more and more miserable the longer I work there.

   

  To further add to my lost of identity and confusion I have been feeling since winter break, I've been trying to please my dad, hoping that it will ease the tension that my family experiences time after time and hoping that there will be more peace and cohesion within such family. So, I've practically dedicated the entire beginning of my summer to my dad where I was willing to work at this company, go play badminton, do chores at home (oftentimes attempting to do them before he even opens his mouth and asks), and exercising so my figure would be thinner. Does that prevent him to find something in my life to consistently lecture/yell at me about? No. I still have to deal with his argumentative self daily, when I seem to slip up on one chore, stay on the internet too long, don't go to sleep early enough, don't clean my room or unpack my college stuff (especially since I'm always out doing something else, most likely for him), don't eat the breakfast he has prepared for me each morning, don't get up early enough, etc. I mean, I often critique fellow youth who go to a certain college for their parents' sake, but here I find myself doing the same thing for my dad. I know I have to live my own life, be independent, and find happiness my own way. At the same time, I am trying my best to honor my parents and allow them to care for me, even if the means they use doesn't exactly add to my happiness as a whole. All it equates is me being just frustrated with myself and wondering how I ever got in this stupid cycle. Sure, I do gain some gratification being favored over my brother in some extent, but I lose myself and just makes me more bottled up than I want. Also, I guess there's a slight tinge of guilt since my dad offered to pay in-full for my Macbook Pro, instead of me paying it with my wages as I had planned for a long time.

   

  And it's not like I haven't been socializing with my friends, especially with my flexible work schedule and my parents (although they do have the pestering tendency to call me at 10 p.m. asking me to return home, especially my mom). But I am barely allotting myself enough time for them, seeing how I have to plan ahead of time to take off of work. For some reason, I still hang out with my previous ex moreso than my old high school friends, even though we have been making progress as to remaining just friends. I mean, I hang out with him all the time in college, this summer may be one of the last chances to hang out with my high school friends before we all finally part ways. I think this area is one I would really need to work on this summer. (I'm especially waiting for one friend to return from Taiwan because I didn't realize how much I miss her until recently...)

   

  My church ministry (mostly camp involvement), is less than I had hoped, but then, I was director last year and had a really free summer (especially since I was job-less last summer). I'm really glad I am able to help out with middle school on Sundays, even though it has been a rocky start. Also, Chroma, the college fellowship, has become quite substantial to my summer. I am considering interning at W this summer, seeing how that is where my real joy resides. I think that internship job would be one where I would care less as to my salary, since I would actually be doing something where my input is actually influencing something.

   

  Other miscellaneous things going on this summer...

   

  Well, I am trying to do some freelance work and somewhat get a stronger graphic design portfolio together. I am currently working with one client (who use to be merely a classmate in high school), who's project I have put off for almost a year now due to busyness of school and now work. But it is nearly completion and I am quite relieved to soon be getting it off my to-do list.

   

  As for exercising, I was very disciplined and consistent two weeks ago (fortnight?) with waking up at 7:30 a.m. every morning and running a mile, and doing the same at 7:30 p.m. Unfortunately, last week I slacked off greatly due to certain monthly pain, but I soon hope to pick it back up this week. I would definitely like to have some endorphins pumping in my system again. Then there's the usual badminton on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I still find myself being more of an independent exerciser and would rather be self-motivated, but if a friend were to ask to join me, I certainly wouldn't mind. I also need new running shoes (I have had the same Payless tennis shoes since 8th grade!)

   

  I am working toward technological upgrades this summer with my purchase of a new Macbook Pro (+ free iTouch), since my tablet PC is dying horrendously; Adobe CS4 Design Suite (not Master Collection, since it's not really necessary); and an Epson wide format inkjet printer--I haven't chosen what model I wanted (which I will probably order in the beginning of the Fall quarter and have it shipped straight to college). Hopefully, I will remember to clean out all the pack rat junk I currently have in storage next year, so that I will be more minimalistic and will have less to carry back home at the end of my junior year (and ultimately, when I graduate). I haven't decided if I wanted a Wacom tablet, especially since I still will have my tablet PC, but the pressure sensitivity doesn't work in Adobe programs (and I don't know how to fix it).

   

  Speaking of getting rid of clutter, last week I ended up throwing most of my elementary/middle school projects (which I could finally part with without my emotions, yes) and got rid of a third of my wardrobe of clothes I didn't wear, except for tshirts with sentimental values, which I really want to make a quilt/blanket out of, but that's on a prolonged to-do list. I still need to continue clearing out useless things in my room/closet (such as toys), since I barely even live there anymore. I think it would be easier if there was someone who could help me get rid of my packrat mentality and speak to me about my things in a logical sense (also be willing to deal with predicted me tearing of eyes). But I guess I will just have to slowly chip away at my room throughout the summer, whenever I am at home and not surfing the internet.

   

  I also need to pick up on summer reading. I think the last time I actually read a book (outside academic purposes) was over a year ago. Eesh. Right now, I am reading Wild at Heart, which I had bought a long time ago and I haven't really picked up. Then, I plan to read Screwtape Letters, The Shack, The Fountainhead, and A Walk Across the Room. Maybe I will get the desire to re-read my old favorites, such as books by Joshua Harris and Captivating. Is there any other good reads out there I should pick up? (and they don't have to be Christian-related).

   

  Okay, this blog came out longer than expected. Oh well, work is boring and I was planning to blog until my brother got off of work, so he can take me home. Luckily, blogging somewhat shed light as to why I loved to write about my thoughts in the first place. I really need to resort to my journal more often.

   

  Anyway, for those who didn't read, here's a bulleted summary:

  • Return trip from college to home was frustrating at first, but got better as I met up with Michael in Louisiana and went to see 'Up' first thing when I got home.
  • I really don't like my job and is getting paid less than expected. I have worked every summer at this same company since 9th grade and I'm getting pretty sick of it.
  • Instead of honoring my parents (mainly my dad), I am conflicted with pleasing them to the point where I am questioning my identity and feeling a sense of misplaced happiness.
  • I hang out with my ex from college more than my old high school friends...I need to work on hanging out with them more.
  • I like church ministry and is considering to be more involved as a summer intern
  • Trying to freelance, exercise, upgrade my technology (Macbook Pro, CS4, new Epson printer), get rid of old grade school clutter in my room, and read.

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